People Pleasing
This is a topic that comes up all the time in therapy… it’s a common struggle and a pattern that can continue throughout life and through many types of relationships. Where people-pleasing habits are rooted varies with every individual’s personal history. It’s helpful to talk with a counselor so that you can determine from where and why this habit shows up in your life, explore any distorted thinking patterns, build insight into attachment issues that perpetuate the cycle - then reconstruct new thoughts/narratives and collaboratively work on healing any attachment or relationship wounds that perpetuate people pleasing.
Below are some checkpoints to see if / where you might be experiencing this pattern….
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE A PEOPLE PLEASER:
-You often find yourself agreeing when you actually disagree.
-You tend to apologize too much.
-You feel overly aware and very often burdened by other people’s feelings.
-You struggle to accept credit, praise or compliments - and have difficulty believing them internally when they are given.
-You always say ‘yes’ - even when you don’t have time, don’t really want to, aren’t really interested, etc.
-You find yourself often acting like other people around you … even if their attitudes and behaviors aren’t congruent with your true self.
-You tend to take blame even when it’s not your fault.
-You feel the need for everyone to like you and you often feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
-You avoid almost all conflict and feel very uncomfortable thinking someone might be angry with you.
-You have difficult admitting when your feelings are hurt.
-You often feel drained or a bit ‘hollowed out’ at the end of the day/week from the constant attention to other's needs, moods, actions.
(yes, we’ve all felt this way on certain days…..)
KINDNESS vs PEOPLE PLEASING:
Sometimes we confuse our people pleasing patterns with ‘kindness to others’. Kindness is important and a highly desirable trait! However, while kindness is compassionate & considerate… kindness also has boundaries. To quote Brené Brown - “The most compassionate people are also the most boundaried”. When we have compassion and kindness without boundaries, we exhaust ourselves quickly, devalue our time/energy and we don’t model for others setting limits for themselves.
Here are some distinctions between ‘kindness’ & ‘people pleasing’:
WAYS TO REDUCE PEOPLE PLEASING:
1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with people you feel emotionally safe with… but with boundaries as needed.
Vulnerability is crucial to connection with others - but that doesn’t mean we need to be vulnerable with everyone we know or have no boundaries with those who we don’t feel safe with. It’s okay to choose carefully who you decide to be vulnerable with and to share or not share as much as you feel like.
2. Work on asserting your needs with others.
Asserting is not demanding nor is it passive - it’s stating needs with regulation and clarity. Assertiveness is NOT aggression and it’s also NOT being passive. It’s finding the right, regulated words or actions to firmly and calmly express your needs to others.
3. Establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
Boundaries take many forms both internal (emotional, thinking, not ‘overcaring’, etc) & external (physical, financial, time, etc). Setting boundaries can feel ‘mean’ or ‘wrong’ at first, if you’re out of the habit of setting them. Recognizing this discomfort when it arises and working through on your own or with a trusted person is helpful. Identifying and implementing better boundaries preserves your own personal peace, wellbeing and gives you space to determine how you truly want to proceed.
4. Don’t try to control what others think/say about you.
As much as we’d like to have control of other’s opinions of us - we can’t. Also - often when others speak negatively about us to others, it’s due to their own issues with self-confidence or feeling they don’t offer better topics to talk about. Having a healthy response to open and meaningful constructive criticism is important at times… and sometimes changing behaviors is important - but ultimately we can’t control how other people view us. We can only control our own mindset and responses.
5. Release unhealthy or one-sided relationships.
Letting go of relationships is hard, even when they’re unhealthy or we feel we’re the only one keeping it up. Sometimes it takes internal processing work and talking with trusted people or your therapist about the history and story of the relationship to help identify unhealthy connections and ways to release them.
6. Believe that you’re able to choose what’s best for you, even if others don’t approve of your choices.
This one takes practice…. like a muscle, the more you identify what you want/need, make your own values-guided choices and decisions about your time, energy, needs - the easier and more reflexive it becomes. You also become more confident in knowing what’s right for you.
7. Build the ability to communicate to others when your feelings are hurt.
Recognize and internalize that your feelings matter and are important … and that not everything is your fault. Use assertive communication (remember this is neither aggressive nor passive) and “I statements” to communicate your emotions, needs and limits.
8. Become more aware of how often you say “I’m sorry” to others… and whether it’s truly necessary and genuinely meant - or just placating in the moment while not viewing your reality/situation as important.
Also like a muscle…. at first just make a daily goal/intention to catch yourself saying “I’m sorry”, “Sorry!, “Oh sorry!”, etc. Each time you build awareness of it happening - you help to give yourself pause before the next instance. In that pause, you determine if really needed and/or find other words (“Thank you for waiting for me when I was running behind”, “I appreciate your feedback on this matter”, “I can see that you are upset… let’s talk this over”, etc).
9. Don’t try to change yourself based on those around you.
If you want to change and feel there is genuine need based on your own struggles…. then by all means, pursue that change! However, if you feel that you’re perpetually changing and shifting for others to chase approval - it’s helpful to do some work around self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worthiness. You ARE worth it!
You are your one special, unique and very important person…. own it, see it, be grateful for it and share it with others!
Best, Jenn
*The information presented in this blog is intended for general knowledge and use only. It should not take the place of medical, clinical advice or licensed therapy. To find a licensed practitioner in your area, the Psychology Today Directory is an excellent resource.