Boundaries 101

Establishing and maintaining boundaries is key to maintaining healthy relationships in all areas of life - personal, work, family, social. At some point, we all struggle to set and keep boundaries of different kinds. Boundaries can feel ‘rude’ or ‘mean’ if you’re not used to setting them… or they they can feel uncomfortably vulnerable if your boundaries have been rigid and you’re trying to be more flexible.

Below are some definitions of different kinds of boundaries, ways to assess and think about how we’re setting boundaries and some ideas on how to shift into keeping the types and levels of boundaries that feel most healthy in our lives.

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES

INTERNAL BOUNDARIES

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES:

Protecting and setting limits on how intensely you experience your emotions - not getting ‘hijacked’ by your emotions but also not shutting them down entirely.

MENTAL BOUNDARIES:

Protecting your thoughts and feelings - knowing and owning your own thoughts and feelings. Recognizing rumination or overthinking and shifting. Also identifying that you might need to see more perspectives.

TIME BOUNDARIES:

Protecting where and how you spend your time. Not over-giving time to others while also not shutting others out.

SPIRITUAL/VALUES BOUNDARIES:

Protecting your values and what you believe in. Owning your own values and beliefs while respecting other’s.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES:

Setting limits on sexual interactions and preferences. Knowing and asserting your limits, needs while also respecting other’s boundaries also.

EXTERNAL BOUNDARIES

PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES:

Protecting your personal space and body - and respecting other’s.

MATERIAL BOUNDARIES:

Protecting your personal property and belongings - and respecting other’s.

FINANCIAL BOUNDARIES:

Protecting your finances, how and why you spend your money- and respecting other’s.

ASSESSING YOUR BOUNDARIES

In therapy, we often measure boundaries on a spectrum - RIGID BOUNDARIES on one end and POROUS BOUNDARIES on the other… HEALTHY BOUNDARIES in the middle.

RIGID BOUNDARY SETTING

Difficulty trusting yourself & others.
Having inflexible rules for self/others, sometimes aggressive.
Needing to feel in control of most situations.
Often quick to cut others out of life if they don’t meet specific self-determined expectations.
Feeling misunderstood by others, often lonely.
Closed off from others and usually from self too … struggling to know who you are and want to be.
Not allowing self to feel emotions.
Having mostly superficial or short-term relationships.

POROUS BOUNDARY SETTING

Passive with needs and wants.
Difficulty asking others for what you need or want.
Having ‘people pleasing’ patterns in work, relationships, social, etc.
Often allowing others to mistreat or ‘walk all over’ you.
Being unsure of your own wants, needs, values and likes.
Needing lots of external validation.
Ruminating on certain thoughts or allowing yourself to be hijacked by your emotions - and letting those thoughts and feelings control you and your behaviors.
Oversharing personal information or parts of yourself/life where not safe or worthy.

HEALTHY BOUNDARY SETTING

ASSERTIVE rather than passive or agressive.
Able to ask for what you want and need.
Clarifying to others how you want to be treated.
Being able to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty or needing validation/approval.
Respectful of other people’s boundaries, needs - while knowing your own limits.
Having a healthy sense of your own identify, values, needs and wants.
Being able to share personal information/self in vulnerable but boundaried ways.
Able to allow and feel emotions while recognizing when they become too intense or problematic and practicing coping to regulate them.
Recognizing when you might be in a thought rumination pattern - unable to stop thinking about certain things - and using cognitive coping skills to shift away.

TIPS FOR KEEPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

See yourself as worthy and deserving of boundaries.
Use assertive language to calmy and clearly communicate your needs.
Recognize when you feel guilty or ‘bad’ for setting boundaries and shift to understanding that boundaries are good self-care and help you remain compassionate to others.
Take care of yourself - mentally, physically, emotionally - and let yourself be aware of what you need.
Don’t take on too much for yourself or others at one time and be open to asking for help or saying ‘no’ as needed.
Develop coping skills (mindfulness, recognizing cognitive distortions, thought diaries, journaling, movement, etc) for managing thought rumination and emotions dysregulation.
Recognize ‘people pleasing’ patterns and work through those issues. (blog post on this topic here).
Accept when someone breaks your boundaries and decide what to do… this could be having a difficult discussion, taking time away from the relationship or sometimes ending it.
Know that you can choose to explain yourself… or not. If you have a tendency to think you “owe” everyone an explanation of your actions, re-evaluate that pattern.
Know your own beliefs, values and communicate them to others.
Use mindfulness to help you pause, tune into your needs/wants/beliefs/struggle - this will increase your own self-awareness of what your boundaries are and allow you to communicate them more clearly and in a grounded way.

BOUNDARIES SETTING STATEMENTS:

“I wish I could help you with that, but I’m not able to at this time.”
“I can’t commit to that right now, but can we work out a plan for in the future?”
“I appreciate your input, but I’ve made up my mind about this matter/situation.”
“I hope that you’ll be able to find a solution to this problem.”
“I need some time and space to think things through.”
“I prefer not to talk about this right now.”
“I can’t take on additional responsibilities right now.”
“I appreciate the offer/gesture, but I would prefer….”
“I can’t attend, but I appreciate the invitation.”
“I won’t be spoken to in that way.”
“Although I like you as a friend, this is not going to work out in any other way.”
“I don’t give you permission to do (x) to me.”
“Thank you for your concern, but I can manage this.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about this with you / at this time.”
“I understand you feel this way, but I am not responsible for your feelings/emotions.”
“Right now, I need some time to myself… but I would welcome talking to you about this later.”
“I respect your opinion, but I have my own opinion myself.”
“No thank you.”
“No.”

Best, Jenn

*The information presented in this blog is intended for general knowledge and use only. It should not take the place of medical, clinical advice or licensed therapy. To find a licensed practitioner in your area, the Psychology Today Directory is an excellent resource.