Self-Esteem, Self-Confidence, Self-Worth & Self-Compassion
Self-Esteem, Self-Confidence, Self-Worth & Self-Compassion… if you’re human, you’ve struggled with these at one point or another in your lifetime. Starting at a young age, we often encourage kids and young adults to “have self-esteem, develop self-confidence” while not always recognizing that having an internal sense of worthiness along with self-compassion and self-forgiveness is equally important. As adults, we receive media messages, emails, ads, promotions incessantly that offer the promise of helping us to ‘improve our self-esteem’, increase our worthiness, build confidence, self-care, give ourselves a break, etc, etc. We (at least sort of) know that we could probably use some help in these areas - but we don’t always stop and think about exactly what that means or what we are trying 'to ‘fix’.
Plus, if we are ‘low’ in one area.. we make the assumption with ourselves that we are ‘low’ in all of these areas. Which might not be true - for example, you can recognize and be confident in your skills but still struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth. Or you might feel that you have value and worth but you’re unsure and not confident in your known skills. Self-Esteem, Self-Confidence, Self-Worth and Self-Compassion are all intertwined - but they are also different.
In therapy, they’re all very common topics and frequently discussed, processed and encouraged. I recently decided to make an effort to really dig into each concept… think a bit more about what specifically they mean and ways to work on each individually. My goal here as a therapist and writer is to try and break it all down so that improving any area may feel more attainable and doable - and also to provide ways for identifying where you may be doing pretty well without recognizing.
It’s entirely possible you might feel differently about my definitions… which is a-okay and I’m always happy to receive feedback!
SELF-ESTEEM
WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?
-How you generally view yourself overall.
-How much you like, accept or generally approve of yourself.
-Not situation specific…. a wider view of who/how you are.
-Your ‘definition’ of yourself - knowing your strengths and also knowing/accepting the areas where you aren’t as strong / want to improve.
-Can be comparative at times (ie - How do I rate myself compared with others? Does my self-esteem improve/decline when I compare myself to others? Do I feel good when I feel better than others?)
-Having respect for yourself. Pride in oneself.
-Believing in yourself to be able to effect changes in your own life (self-efficacy).
-Per Dr. Nathaniel Branden (expert in this area) - Self-Esteem is “your reputation with yourself”
HOW WOULD I RATE MY OWN SELF-ESTEEM?
Get your JOURNAL out here…..
Given the above areas, how would you rate where you are with each?
Which areas do you feel stronger in?
Which ones do you struggle with?
What are the things you value in you life and how are you living those values - or not living those values (values being ‘what you value in your life’ - fun, adventure, success, freedom, stability, etc - rather than just ‘moral values’)
POSSIBLE WAYS TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM:
1. ”I am” Affirmations that note what you like or value about yourself - write them down and post them where you’ll see them… in your planner, the bathroom mirror, by the coffee maker, etc.
2. Identify who are… and be true to that. Write it out, list what you feel are your most important qualities. Write about who you are and want to be. Own it:)
3. List your values out in journaling - not necessarily talking about values in the moral sense here…. more in the ‘what do I value in my life?’ sense (such as love, adventure, security, stability, fun, humor, peace, recognition, etc).
4. Decide what is important to you and focus on those areas… recognize when you shift away. Define ways to move back toward your values and who you aim to be.
5. Think about or journal who you are on the ‘outside’ and who you are on the ‘inside’… see how they align, see how they don’t match up and identify where you want them to be more congruent.
6. Name challenges or difficult situations you’ve been before in life and made it through - and think about how you tried to move forward and ways you were resilient.
7. Recognize when you are over-comparing yourself to others… usually this feels crappy - but sometimes we bask in it a little. Both are normal - but important to realize when that becomes how you define yourself. Shift away from comparisons and tap back into your own values and how you are living them regardless of what others are doing. Celebrate other’s achievements while giving yourself grace when you feel you don’t match up. Remember that we are all living different narratives (with bad and good storylines) and our path is our very own.
SELF-CONFIDENCE
WHAT IS SELF-CONFIDENCE?
-Actions & abilities based.
-Believing in yourself to take the correct action needed.
-Self-efficacy based - believing in yourself to be able to effect change and influence your own behaviors in life.
-Confidence that you will make it through hard situations and tasks along with the easier ones.
-Ability to trust or rely on yourself.
-Connection with yourself and a positive view of your own skills set, tools for managing life areas.
-Ability to be flexible and adapt - and have internal belief that you can flex, pivot, adapt as needed.
HOW WOULD I RATE MY SELF-CONFIDENCE?
JOURNAL time again….
Think about the qualities above and journal a list of skills or abilities that you feel confident within.
What background (education, experience, life events, etc) has led you to feel or be confident in those areas?
Where are some areas where you struggle with confidence but want to be better or have a more positive view?
What might be some ways to make that happen?
POSSIBLE WAYS TO BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE:
1. ”I can” Affirmations based on your skills, talents, strengths… even those you are working on. Post them where you’ll see them!
2. From the above affirmations, make a list of your skills, strengths, talents, areas you excel and also areas you are working on Refer back to it frequently or keep it somewhere you’ll often see it.
3. Think about when others have complimented you on a skill - either tangible or intangible. Set intentions to notice when people do make positive remarks about things you do, your disposition, insights, behaviors.
4. Take note of challenges in life you’ve overcome… and how you overcame them. No matter how small. (can be as big as ‘I just got a new job!’ or as little as ‘cool, I just cleaned out that junk drawer that’s been nagging for my attention’)
5. Try something new… even if small. See what strengths or skills help you out in trying something outside your ‘regular box’… give yourself grace if it isn’t perfect or doesn’t work the first time.
6. Check in with self-doubt and manage with it with your affirmations.
SELF-WORTH
WHAT IS SELF-WORTH?
-Owning and believing in your value to yourself, loved ones, people in your environment and the world in general.
-Based mostly on your own set of criteria…. this is highly personalized from person to person. Try to have healthy balance of internal and external measurements for worthiness.
-Knowing that you have overcome challenges and that your experiences and wisdom have immense meaning to yourself and others.
-Believing that you are important and deserving simply as you are - human.
-Accepting of your faults (we all have them)… and knowing that they don’t devalue your worth.
HOW WOULD I RATE MY OWN SELF WORTH?
Get that JOURNAL back out…..
Think about and list how you feel you measure your own self-worth.
Do you tend to measure your worthiness based on your own criteria - or other’s criteria?
How do you measure your own worthiness and then also how do you value worthiness for those around you? (Loved ones, work, friends, etc).
Are there differences in how you measure?
How do you want to measure your worthiness?
Are there both intangible/internal criteria along with any external or behaviors based criteria?
POSSIBLE WAYS TO BUILD SELF-WORTH:
1. ”I am worthy of” Affirmations… find some calm, peaceful space for a few minutes and write down what you are worthy of: love, respect, aspirations, dignity, security, etc. Place these affirmations where you’ll see them or can refer to them frequently.
2. Recognize when perfectionism shows up… we often internalize the fallacy that we aren’t worthy to others (our family, partner, colleagues) if we aren’t perfect. Reality is that while others appreciate and benefit from your strengths, it’s okay to be imperfect and show some vulnerability in this area. Not only do you give yourself grace/compassion - you model for others that they can be vulnerable, too.
3. Notice if you are ‘people pleasing’ and measuring your worth based on other’s opinions, behaviors, etc more than feels okay. I’ve written an entire blog post on this subject here.
4. Shift out of ‘comparison mode’ in general… comparison mode is very ego-based. We compare to others, we compare our present selves to our past self, etc. No one ever ‘wins’ these comparison battles - we’re just left feeling weary on the mental battlefield. Move into ‘superego’ state which generally states that we’re all made up strengths and challenges, sends loving-kindness to yourself and to others.
5. Talk positively about yourself (or at least neutrally and compassionately) - notice negative internal dialogue and use your affirmations and lists above to shift to more supportive comments for yourself.
SELF-COMPASSION
WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?
-Accepting yourself as you are… a whole and complete person with good days and hard days, parts of yourself that you struggle with and parts you love.
-Being able to forgive yourself (this doesn’t mean you don’t work on change… it just means you don’t stay stuck in negative overall feelings about yourself.)
-Able to treat yourself with loving kindness as you would a loved one.
-Recognizing when your self-talk gets negative… and shifting it to giving yourself some grace, space and kind words. (“I’m doing the best I can right at this moment.”)
-Getting in touch with the more difficult or complex parts of yourself and realizing that you are human… that suffering and being hard on oneself are shared human traits.
HOW WOULD I RATE MY OWN SELF-COMPASSION?
Back to the JOURNAL once more….
Think about ways you are or aren’t compassionate with yourself?
In what areas of life do you tend to be more compassionate with yourself - and in what areas do you really struggle to give yourself forgiveness, room to grow and grace?
How compassionate are you towards others? Toward loved ones?
Are you more compassionate to others than yourself? Do you want to be kinder to yourself?
What are some ways below that you could implement more compassionate towards yourself?
POSSIBLE WAYS TO BUILD SELF-COMPASSION:
-Affirmations of: “I can give myself grace for…”, “I was doing the best I could at the time when…”, “It’s okay that sometimes I can/can’t…”, “I’m still worthy of…”, “I’m going to accept about myself that…” , “I am more than this moment or my shortcomings”, etc.
-Recognize when self-doubt and self-sabotage show up as unwelcome visitors to your day/mind…. think of them as ‘traveling salesmen’ trying to ‘sell’ you something you don’t really need. Acknowledge when they emerge with a false belief that you’re not good enough and that doubting or sabotaging will somehow motivate you to be better or make things better by avoiding. Calmly excuse them from your internal dialogue, shoulders back, chin up a little and shift over to affirmations above.
-Recognize that genuine kindness towards yourself and acceptance of your whole self are what you truly need … and remind yourself that you are capable, worthy, able and perfectly imperfect
Wise words from Pema… and I would add that Self-Compassion is also integral to Self-Esteem & Self-Worth. Compassion, kindness and unconditional friendship with ourselves (on good days and bad ones) helps us continue moving forward, growing and evolving.
*Additional Books & Resources:
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff
Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love that Heals Fear and Shame by Tara Brach
So many more books on these topics (including those by Brené Brown, Pema Chödrön) … please reach out and share if you have a favorite. I always appreciate!
Best, Jenn
*The information presented in this blog is intended for general knowledge and use only. It should not take the place of medical, clinical advice or licensed therapy. To find a licensed practitioner in your area, the Psychology Today Directory is an excellent resource.